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Laureen
28 June 2014 @ 11:17 pm

To my Dräco:

I'm shy, and not very outgoing in general. I never text first, or message someone first because I have such severe social anxiety that I fear that I'm bugging someone. So when we first "met" you were a shock to my system. You're so friendly and outgoing, you joked and made me laugh, and somehow you managed to break through my defenses. I message you or text you anytime, and when I've needed you, you've been there. All I had to do was say I was lonely and you called and you made me smile.

You don't know that you have inadvertently become the man I've needed for years. How you've effortlessly started to dominate me, not sexually, not abusively, but in other ways. Ways that I've needed. You have called my BS on how I'll go for a run later, you make me take better care of myself, you've even convinced me to go to bed early on nights when I've needed to be up early. You've helped me in ways that you can't ever understand.

You used to press at me, to try to convince me to do long distance, to date you despite all my reservations, like the long distance, the age difference, my mental illness. To be honest, I didn't feel like I was good enough for you. Maybe I still don't. Lately you haven't been pushing for it, and I don't know if it's because I said no too many times, or if you're no longer interested in me that way.

The problem is that I kind of want to date you now. And I don't know how to tell you. Maybe it was stupid of me to say no when you were asking, or maybe I just wasn't ready, but I'm ready now. You'll probably never see this anyway, so I don't know why I'm writing this other than the fact that I need to say it, and I'm still too shy to actually say anything beyond the slightest hints that I want you to ask me again. I like you. A lot. I probably shouldn't, but fuck it. I do.